Never Too Rich or Too Thin?

An alternative to women's relentless pursuit of 'perfection'

By Susan Stephenson

A couple of years ago, I took part in a group where high-powered women from banking, business and legal circles met once a month to explore ways to achieve greater harmony in their lives.

Words can hardly describe how intimidated I was at the first meeting, surrounded by women who seemingly 'had it all.' They were 'self-actualized' and 'empowered'; a collection of high achievers making lots of money and possessing a great deal of personal and professional power. To boot, all of them were 'left of 120 lbs' stepping on the scales every morning!

American divorcée Wallis Simpson is reputed to have said, "No woman can be too rich or too thin." This élite group of women seemingly subscribed to that philosophy, and represented what I believed was the pinnacle of professional and personal success. In my less lucid and more vulnerable moments, I admit that, at some level, I too buy-into the notion that wealth and thinness equals perfection, which in turn brings happiness.

Yet to my great surprise, when members of this group delved deeper into their 'issues,' I observed that they were not dissimilar to me, to many of the women I count as friends, or to those I see as clients in my psychotherapy practice. Certainly, their wealth afforded them greater privilege and financial security. But the challenges they faced were no less pressing: How could they keep on the winning track? What should they do if they made more money (and hence carried more power) than their spouses, friends or colleagues? And finally - the universal challenge faced by all contemporary women - Were they devoting enough time to themselves or their families?

The high price of success

These women had so much and looked so good, who wouldn't believe the world was their oyster? Yet I could relate to their struggles. In their daily lives, they didn't risk disclosing the challenges they were facing. They felt unable to 'lower their guard' and talk openly about their issues, since it might shut them out of the next partnership or promotion. They felt the need to present to others - but especially to themselves - an illusion of control and optimism. Fearing that no one would lend an understanding ear, they avoided admitting their vulnerability and hence remained alone with their issues. Fortunately, the group meetings enabled these women to finally talk openly about the issues they'd bottled up inside.

Women of every income bracket or waist-size face daily challenges, particularly related to 'what's normal' in the quest for perfection and happiness. In my view, we have been sold a 'false bill of goods' that being rich and thin is the key to lasting happiness.

Don't get me wrong; I'd like to have a bigger bank balance, and would be delighted to ever see 120 on the scales! But in my stronger moments, I accept that happiness is not related to 'how perfect we are' but rather to the quality of our relationships. I believe that the path to genuine happiness lies in being open, honest and authentic in revealing our all-to-human imperfections and true feelings to ourselves and to those we are close to.

The Dali Lama who wrote: "Material development certainly contributes to happiness - to some extent - and a comfortable way of life. But this is not sufficient. To achieve a deeper level of happiness we cannot neglect our inner development."

Susan Stephenson is an accredited psychotherapist in private practice in mid-town Toronto (www.susanstephenson.ca).

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