The Emotional Minefield of Women and Money

Understanding emotional issues is the key to gaining peace-of-mind about finances

By Susan Stephenson

Surrounded as we are by a culture of consumption, many North Americans would naturally agree that having lots of money is the secret to happiness. But for women in particular, our relationship with money is clouded by a range of issues that can produce chronic anxiety and discomfort, diminishing our joy for living.

Emotional baggage begins early

I was raised in a household that didn't have too much money - and even less emotional security about what money we did have. My aunt use to warn us that it was 'just as easy to marry a rich man as a poor one,' implying that we needed a man to take care of us.

Women like me grew up believing that a man was our ticket to happiness and financial security, but that we should never feel too secure since it could all be gone in a blink of a (roving) eye. Once married and approaching middle age, we were haunted by the phrase 'two 20s for a 40' - the fear that our husbands might trade us in for one or even two 20-year-olds. We were encouraged to get a decent education; not for its intrinsic value, but as an insurance policy should our husbands leave us.

With all this emotional baggage, is it any wonder that today's women still feel anxious and conflicted about money?

Taxed by taxes

When I married my husband some 30 years ago, we chuckled about his aunt who, when notified by the bank that she had insufficient funds in her account, replied that this was impossible since she still had blank checks left in her checkbook! Yet just a few months ago, I was shocked and disappointed when my 24-year-old daughter announced she was going to marry someone who could do her income taxes since she was totally incapable of doing them on her own.

So what is it with women and money? If young men can learn to handle money and do their own taxes, why do young women feel so much anxiety around it?

Emotional issues are key

There are various factors that contribute to the discomfort that even very successful women feel about money. While knowing the mechanics of investing and financial management is important, I believe it's essential that women also understand and address the emotional issues related to money if they are to avoid living with continual worry and guilt.

It begins in the genes

Let's starts with genetics. Back in prehistoric times, men (with more testosterone) were the hunters while women (more estrogen) were the gatherers who also tended the family. Later on, men's greater size and strength made them better labourers. By contrast, women's power lay in their beauty and reproductive abilities. As the primary breadwinner, men controlled the money; in some cases, women were the money when traded as chattel. To this day, the 'golden rule' (he who makes the gold, rules) still applies in many families.

Traditional social roles favoured men

Even as recently as 50 years ago, gender roles were very distinct: men earned the money to support the family, while women looked after the children and were responsible for meeting the family's non-financial needs (e.g., nutrition and health, emotional well-being). In terms of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, men achieved self-esteem and self-actualization through their daily work; the more money a man made, the more powerful he felt. Women's higher-order needs were less easily met. The unpaid work of raising healthy and well-adjusted children lasted for decades, so women were often reduced to finding meaning through more trivial matters of controlling how well they or their families looked or performed. Women lacked a meaningful sense of control, leading to disempowerment and feelings of inadequacy.

Working women still catching up

The second half of the 20th century brought sweeping changes for women: access to reproductive control and childcare, and paid work opportunities outside the home. As Mary Tyler Moore supplanted June Cleaver, women were no longer totally dependent on a spouse to provide for their basic needs. But amidst this increased financial freedom, women faced conflicting internal and societal messages about their obligations to work and family. For women now in their 40s and 50s, the expectation was, on one hand, to still put a hearty meal on the family table every night (as they saw their mothers do), while on the other, to battle it out in the workplace and bring home a paycheque (in keeping with new societal expectations).

For women, earning a living has brought with it an expanded set of demands. But instead of openly equating money with power, women tend to downplay their financial differences in their more natural pursuit of connectedness and community. Though our social roles have evolved, our psyches are desperately trying to catch up!

Family legacies

Finally, family-of-origin factors such as immigration, language barriers, addictions or chronic illness cause stress and shape perceptions around the role or importance of money. Siblings in the same family can have differences in emotional resilience and risk-tolerance that influence their self-confidence and ultimately, their relationship with money. Children who were rewarded with money for good behaviour but punished for bad behaviour by having it withheld, or those for whom money was used as a surrogate for love or emotional connection, reach adulthood with distorted views about the proper meaning of money. Whether our family-of-origin considered having money as an essential symbol of success, or viewed it as something evil whose pursuit was morally wrong, our childhood experiences most certainly impacted our emotions about money in adulthood.

As an adult looking back on my childhood, I'm aware that my parents' description of our financial status did not reflect our reality, which has coloured my own feelings about financial security ever since.

The road to emotional health about money

In my view, achieving greater peace-of-mind about money begins with understanding. After truthfully assessing your actual financial circumstances and opening yourself to change, some options include personal reflection, talking with friends, reading books, or seeking help from a professional. The goal is to explore your life circumstances (family history and role models) and uncover the oft-hidden messages that influence you from within and without. Through this process, not only will you discover you're not alone in your complex relationship with money, but you'll likely enhance your emotional awareness and reach a place of greater personal responsibility and empowerment about money that can transform your interactions with your spouse, your children, your friends and ultimately, yourself.

Mark Twain once said: "Happiness is being satisfied with what you have, using it wisely and not being ruled by the past or fearful of the future." Deep down, women know that our happiness is not tied to our bank balance, and that our self worth is greater than the net worth shown on our investment statements.

By understanding and proactively addressing the emotional issues surrounding money, we can ultimately lead more satisfying and rewarding lives.

Susan Stephenson is an accredited psychotherapist in private practice in mid-town Toronto (www.susanstephenson.ca).

E-mail this page to a friend »

Return to the articles page.